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Chuckle for the Day, submitted by Cathy Gottert

source unknown.......
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously!

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Chuckles: An Old Geezer, A State Trooper and A Corvette......G Rating, suitable for all ages

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought
as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind
him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.  He floored it to 100 mph,
then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and
pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."

The old gentle man paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

submitted by Cathy Gottert

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POLITICAL HUMOR

April 21

http://www.usnews.com/usnews

The Latest From Late Night Comedians

Jay Leno: "Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be A Redneck' Clinton," she has "backed off that" duck hunting thing. Remember "how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic Party. So, now she said, yes, it's true, she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense."

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Chuckles: Missing Husband........(G Rating....suitable for all ages)

Ricky was in trouble -- He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife
was really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD
BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning, Ricky got up early and left for work. When  the wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused and curious,  the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new.......bathroom scale!

Ricky has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him................submitted by KenMac

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Chuckles: A little boy's confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and

I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar

boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and

whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

submitted by Cathy Gottert

Chuckle for the Day: A Blonde's Breast Stroke

There were three women competing in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

It was a fierce race with the brunette and the redhead exchanging the lead across the long stretch of water. As they stroked closer and closer to the shores of France, the blonde fell further behind.

Finally, the brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second. Everyone cheered and the two women congratulated each other on such a fine race. But the blonde swimmer was still nowhere to be seen.

Much, much  later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she agreed to speak to the eager press.

"Can you please tell us what caused you to finish so far behind the other racers in today's race?" the first reporter asked.

*

*
*
*

The blonde shook her head, then remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms!"

submitted by brother George
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Chuckles: Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty space.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

submitted by KenMac

Irish Chuckle for the Day

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

submitted by Gloucester City Fireman Dan McGlinsey

Irish Chuckle for the Day

Paddy was in New York. 

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection.  The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."  When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume once again. 

The officer had done this several times and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. 

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

submitted by Gloucester City Fireman Dan McGlinsey

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Irish Chuckle for the Day!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father." 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't, Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right  now."

submitted by Gloucester City Firefighter Dan McGlinsey

Irish Chuckle for the Day

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a  parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

submitted by Dan McGlinsey

Teenagers! Tired of Being Harassed by Your Stupid Parents?

Chuckle for the Day

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Submitted by Tom ChooChoo Murphy

An Irish Chuckle for the day

Happy St  Patrick’s Day.

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," s aid the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Chuckles: Philadelphia Cop vs. New York Lawyer

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Philly cop.  He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Philadelphia, Pa.  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Philly cop's expense. The cop says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer. The cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the cop. License and
registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the cop says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir," the cop says.

At this point, the cop takes out his Billy club and starts beating the ever-loving  "day light"  out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

(Submitted by Hank Miller)

Giggles for Senior / submitted by brother George

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Giggles for Senior / submitted by brother George

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Chuckles: Dear Abby

Dear Abby, 
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him,
he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also,
since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke 
cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter
went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless 
 
Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from

New York

running for President of the

United States

.  Act like one !!!

submitted by Bill Gross
 

Giggles for Seniors submitted by George*

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SENIOR CHUCKLES submitted by geo*

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Chuckles for the Day: Blondes and Football

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. 

After the game, the guy asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," the blonde replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

 

 

 

"Well, at the beginning, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, everyone kept screaming 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, Hellooo - it's only 25 cents!"

Submitted by KenMac

 

 

 

 

Chuckle of the Day: I've sure gotten old!

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

submitted by Bill Gross

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Chuckles by Chalie The Clip: Say Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to
his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Chuckles for the Day: This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa?

"Make a noise like a frog………

Because grandma said that as soon as you croak,………………we're going to Disneyland!!!"

Chuckles for the Day……For women of a certain age ......

 

Paul Newman….Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this true story. (if you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it)

 

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new  England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store.

Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

 

Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

 

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

 

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into
the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight.

 

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman,

 

"You put it in your purse."

 

Submitted by Rick Gonzales

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Today's Chuckles .......A Young Cowboy, The Old Cowpoke, And bowl of chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
'Nah, go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I
got, too'.

submitted by Tony Thornton


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Today's Chuckles ......You Should Always Plan Ahead

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:
 
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because
she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
 
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
 
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
 
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.
 
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a
funeral director.
 
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she
had married four men with such diverse careers.
 
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

submitted  by  Gary Marcucci

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Today's Chuckles .......The Pearly Gates

 

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

 

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

 

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

 

"Couple of minutes ago."

submitted by Bruce Darrow

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Chuckles submitted by Chalie The Clip

Chuckles: Two blind pilots.

 
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide
dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
 
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
 
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the
plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
 
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
 
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."

 

Submitted by Bruce Darrow

  

Chuckles submitted by Joe Miller

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

 

Looking for A Good Home

I need a favor!!

My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).

It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing ,

and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird !

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

Here's a picture of the dog. …………………………

 

 

 

 

 

submitted by Jodi
 

Jay Leno Show: the Tale that took the Prize, submitted by Jes

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely
no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah ...It was a day trip (no overnight). They were
strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an